My two favourite things..........

In these days of austerity......

Cost of keeping a Prison inmate - £40,000.
Cost of a Prison inmate getting his throat slashed - £100,000.
Cost of buying big Barry on D-Wing a decent set of Kitchen Devils - Priceless

(or £20 in Argos).

Unbelievable....... oh, actually (in today's Wonderfully Great Britain) it's not.

Riddle me this.......

I am not allowed by Law to protect myself.
If I am found to be carrying a Gun or Knife by the Police, I would be arrested.
I've been advised in the past that I should keep a ball next to the Baseball bat that I have, as on it's own the Bat can be regarded by the Police as an offensive weapon!
If I put broken glass on my garden wall to stop people stealing my patio furniture, I could be arrested!
I once knew someone who was charged with GBH for punching a man (who attacked his mate & girlfriend) just once in the face. The reason the Police tried to charge him with GBH? He was a black belt in Karate and an accomplished Kick Boxer, so in the Police's view his hands were offensive weapons - I shit you not!! (he eventually got  charged with common assault).

Anyway the point is; we are not allowed to defend ourselves, so that means it's upto the Police to do it for us. So if they fail, we can sue thier arses off, yeah?.......

NO.

So to be clear; if someone comes up to me and slashes my throat I cannot sue the Police for not protecting me......

Can anyone please explain then, why a fucking mudering cunt of a paedophile is being allowed to sue the Prison service for not protecting him?!!

Erm, WHAT THE FUCK?!!

Met Commissioner: "I cannot guarantee photography guidelines will be rightly interpreted"


The Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson has reaffirmed street photography rights at a Metropolitan Police Authority Committee meeting last week, but was unable to guarantee that all police officers would interpret the law in the right way.

Okay, then Mr Stephenson. I'm afraid that I cannot guarantee that I will correctly interpret the law and therefore cannot be held accountable for my actions - just like your dickhead Officers...... 

Source

Milk

I believe that there are certain situations where it should be legal to punch someone squarely in the face.
Here is one such situation......

During my long sentence in supermarkets (punishment for fucking around in school), there were many things that pissed me off...... usually to do with retarded customers.

The one thing that regularly yanked my chain occured at the milk section.

When it comes to shopping for food & drink there are certain brands/flavours that you will always buy; no matter what. For example, I always buy Pepsi. I'm not exactly sure why, but given a choice I will always go for Pepsi. It is extremely rare to see me buying/drinking Coca Cola.
 Some of these specific preferences can be based on influences from our parents, childhood, friends, advertising or; are quite simply down to persoanl taste.
I've always thought that milk is one of those things that people have a specific preference for. When you ask someone what milk they buy 99% of the time they will give you one variety. For me it's whole milk. Always has been. When I go shopping for milk I go straight to the blue top bottles and grab what I need.
Which is why I don't understand, WHY do people have to spend ages staring at the milk section? There are 3 fucking choices. Red. Green. Blue.
I bet you've drank the same milk for nearly all your life, but still you have to spend 2 minutes staring at the milk section TRYING TO FUCKING DECIDE!!
JUST TAKE THE MILK & FUCK OFF OUT OF MY WAY........

Thank you.

A poem.... of sorts....

So, this week at work I've received (from colleagues) the same email several times purporting to be a poem written by a cancer sufferer, with the usual "pass this on and each time you do £1 will go to cancer research, blah, blah...... I'm sure you know, as well as I do, that nearly all these emails are spammy, scammy crap.
 I did question wether the twats sending these emails should be disciplined under the Company's email policy for sending spam. I was told I was being 'tight' and it was 'okay'. However, when I suggested that I may start sending pornographic pictures out and claiming they were taken by a cancer sufferer, I was told I'd probably be sacked - fucking double standards!!
Anyway, this all got me to thinking about writing a poem. Quite frankly, I couldn't be arsed, so here's a little something that I wrote earlier........ about 20 years earlier as a protest against having to write poems (the idea being that I would write something so fucked up that I wouldn't be asked to write a poem again!!)

Sea of Eternal Sleep

I lie awake and dream.
A sea of darkness creeps over my body.
Waves of black slumber wash into my head
flooding my mind with cold fatigue.

I float out into vast emptiness.
I look back to see myself,
lying on the sands of reality; except it's not me.
It's not me anymore, it's just a shell.
A shell completely vacuous.
Frozen by death's touch.

My shell is surrendured to the earth,
presented in a simple wooden box.
Friends grieve and say goodbye
I'll see them soon. Not in this world
but in the next.
I hope they're not late!

People dressed in black stand along the shore.
They cry and I myself begin to cry.
But I cry tears of joy and relief,
for I have been set free, from my empty,
hopeless, dreamless life;
where happiness was welcome, but never came.

I now travel to my new world.
It's called Hell, but I shall call it Heaven.
This world yields dark hopes and evil dreams.
Happiness will still be welcome
and I'm sure it will come.
Black and cold, but it will come.

I lie awake and dream.
(My tears of joy and relief have passed)
Waiting to reach the place
which will be my new home.
A place which can only be reached on-
the Sea of Eternal Sleep


Unsurprisingly it didn't work.

P.S.
Pass this on to all your friends and £1 will be donated each time to the Angry Ginger Monkey Charity.......

Bliar's Liebour Govt. told porky pies........

Iraq inquiry: Government ‘intentionally and substantially’ exaggerated WMD threat
Tony Blair’s government ‘intentionally and substantially’ exaggerated the threat from Saddam Hussein ahead of the war in Iraq, a former senior British diplomat has claimed.

Mr Carne, who served at the UN between 1997 and 2002, claimed that the British and United States governments were fully aware that there was no “substantial threat” from Iraq ahead of the war.

"At no point did we have any firm evidence, from intelligence sources or otherwise, of significant weapons holdings."

And in other news;
The Pope admits that he "shits in the woods"
and
David Attenborough confirms that "bears wear hats"

Hey, Northumbrian Police!......

........try the local Asda!

Twilight.....

......for guys!!!!

Twilight......

Um....oh yes.......I'm a vampire your Honor...... Don't know nothing 'bout stalking.......

Dear.......

Dear Cunt, who hit my car yesterday.

IF I EVER FIND YOU, ME AND MY FRIEND BARRY (the baseball bat), WILL FUCK YOU UP.

THAT IS ALL

CUNT.

England Vs Germany

BY A COUNTRY FUCKING MILE YOU USELESS BLIND C**TS.

2010...... BILLION POUND BUSINESS........ AND NO MODERN TECHNOLOGY......

SEPP BLATTER....... FIFA....... YOU ARE C**NTS.

AND YES, WE WILL USE THIS AS OUR EXCUSE FOR BEING KNOCKED OUT
(despite the fact it's actually cause we've played like a shower of shite throughout the whole tournament).

SO FUCK OFF.

England's answer to the Vuvuzela.....

The English football Hooligan's fan's Vuvuzela......

















Or how about a Vuvuzela T-shirt?....

Affirmative action, Positive discrimination = More Racism....

Wasn't sure wether to write about this or not, but I found it very interesting. Maybe some of you will too....

Yesterday I was fortunate enough that my daughter had sufficient time in her busy social diary to have a day out with 'Dad'. These days are a God-send to me & my sanity; there's nothing like pissing around like a big kid to relieve the stresses of modern life!.
Anyway, whilst taking a well earned 'Fruit Shoot' break in between jumping on a giant trampoline & riding horses around a lake, I heard one of the most fancinating conversations/stories......

Basically, there was a mixed race South African woman talking to (what I found out to be) her black brother-in-law, who was also South African. She was expressing concern about her (white South African) husband's decision to move the family back to South Africa. It turns out that She and her Husband moved to the UK 10 years ago when he qualified as a GP. He got a position in a local practice and after several years of hard work when they had a house & enough money to support a family, they had a few kids. They fully intended to stay in this country and raise thier children, but her husband became increasingly frustrated in his job & life in the UK.
 First of all he was pissed off with all the ridiculous targets that were set by the (Labour) Govt. He felt that his job was more about how many patients he could get through the doors, rather than the quality of care that they were given. Next there was the changes to the GP's contracts - I didn't quite understand the changes exactly, but apparently it meant that some GPs could now get paid for doing less and there was something about 'Out of hours care' being contracted out to 'useless' organisations??.... anyway, her husband didn't like the changes. Then there were issues that upset her husband that didn't directly affect his job, but pissed him off all the same. Immigration, for example. He was angry that seemingly so many people were coming into the country and going straight onto benefits & not doing anything in return; when they both first moved to the UK they didn't claim any benefits & got all thier possessions through thier own hard work & obviously we (the British) got something back in a much needed Doctor. Then the recession seems to have been the last straw. Obviously being a Doctor, he's on a good wage & so he's convinced he's going to get clobbered by higher taxes etc by the new coalition Govt. There's alot more, but to cut a long story short, the husband now wants to move back to South Africa.
 The brother-in-law brought up a (what I thought to be obvious) point about crime in South Africa. Apparently where this doctor and his wife are originally from is alot safer now. It seems the husband's plan is to open up his own practice in the more affluent part of town. Apparently the cost of living versus the money they could earn would mean they could have a very combfortable middle-class lifestyle. By the lady's own admission, they would be financially better off in South Africa, but she doesn't want to go. Why?......
Because of 'affirmative action'.
In her own words "If you're black you get everything handed to you on a plate. College & University places are all set aside and paid for, for blacks. Wether you are smart or good at anything or not, if you're black - you're in."
I was absolutely gobsmacked when she said this, especially as it was to her 'blacker than black' brother-in-law. But guess what?..... HE AGREED!!.......
 "I know" he said "It's getting stupid. When I went to college it was paid for, but that's because I passed the tests/exams & actually had a chance of getting something out of it at the end. Now, you don't have to pass any exams or anything. If you're black & poor they will put you in to make up the numbers, to be able to say 'look 60% of our students are poor black children', it's insulting".
The lady then went on to say that she was concerned that her children being nearly white, would be disadvantaged now in South Africa. Because so many places in education are handed over to the black children, there are very few left for the rest, which means if you're not black you need to be top of the class to have a chance of getting one of the now limited places in school. She was concerned that her children were going to have to work 10 times harder to pass their exams, whilst watching 'black children' just sail through, just because they were black.
Her brother-in-law responded with this:
"Exactly. And what will the non-black children think of all the black children who they see being handed places for nothing, when they are having to work so hard. They will grow up resenting & maybe even hating them. They are literally creating a new generation of potential racists through 'affirmative action'...... the complete opposite of what 'affirmative action is supposed to be about".

I was then called away to go horse riding around a lake so didn't get to hear the rest, but I think the last comment says it all really......

World Cup racism........

Especially for Tony........