Saturday, 31 July 2010

In these days of austerity......

Cost of keeping a Prison inmate - £40,000.
Cost of a Prison inmate getting his throat slashed - £100,000.
Cost of buying big Barry on D-Wing a decent set of Kitchen Devils - Priceless


















(or £20 in Argos).

Unbelievable....... oh, actually (in today's Wonderfully Great Britain) it's not.

Riddle me this.......

I am not allowed by Law to protect myself.
If I am found to be carrying a Gun or Knife by the Police, I would be arrested.
I've been advised in the past that I should keep a ball next to the Baseball bat that I have, as on it's own the Bat can be regarded by the Police as an offensive weapon!
If I put broken glass on my garden wall to stop people stealing my patio furniture, I could be arrested!
I once knew someone who was charged with GBH for punching a man (who attacked his mate & girlfriend) just once in the face. The reason the Police tried to charge him with GBH? He was a black belt in Karate and an accomplished Kick Boxer, so in the Police's view his hands were offensive weapons - I shit you not!! (he eventually got  charged with common assault).

Anyway the point is; we are not allowed to defend ourselves, so that means it's upto the Police to do it for us. So if they fail, we can sue thier arses off, yeah?.......

NO.

So to be clear; if someone comes up to me and slashes my throat I cannot sue the Police for not protecting me......

Can anyone please explain then, why a fucking mudering cunt of a paedophile is being allowed to sue the Prison service for not protecting him?!!

Tuesday, 27 July 2010

Erm, WHAT THE FUCK?!!

Met Commissioner: "I cannot guarantee photography guidelines will be rightly interpreted"


The Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson has reaffirmed street photography rights at a Metropolitan Police Authority Committee meeting last week, but was unable to guarantee that all police officers would interpret the law in the right way.

Okay, then Mr Stephenson. I'm afraid that I cannot guarantee that I will correctly interpret the law and therefore cannot be held accountable for my actions - just like your dickhead Officers...... 

Source

Tuesday, 20 July 2010

Milk

I believe that there are certain situations where it should be legal to punch someone squarely in the face.
Here is one such situation......

During my long sentence in supermarkets (punishment for fucking around in school), there were many things that pissed me off...... usually to do with retarded customers.

The one thing that regularly yanked my chain occured at the milk section.

When it comes to shopping for food & drink there are certain brands/flavours that you will always buy; no matter what. For example, I always buy Pepsi. I'm not exactly sure why, but given a choice I will always go for Pepsi. It is extremely rare to see me buying/drinking Coca Cola.
 Some of these specific preferences can be based on influences from our parents, childhood, friends, advertising or; are quite simply down to persoanl taste.
I've always thought that milk is one of those things that people have a specific preference for. When you ask someone what milk they buy 99% of the time they will give you one variety. For me it's whole milk. Always has been. When I go shopping for milk I go straight to the blue top bottles and grab what I need.
Which is why I don't understand, WHY do people have to spend ages staring at the milk section? There are 3 fucking choices. Red. Green. Blue.
I bet you've drank the same milk for nearly all your life, but still you have to spend 2 minutes staring at the milk section TRYING TO FUCKING DECIDE!!
JUST TAKE THE MILK & FUCK OFF OUT OF MY WAY........

Thank you.

Saturday, 17 July 2010

A poem.... of sorts....

So, this week at work I've received (from colleagues) the same email several times purporting to be a poem written by a cancer sufferer, with the usual "pass this on and each time you do £1 will go to cancer research, blah, blah...... I'm sure you know, as well as I do, that nearly all these emails are spammy, scammy crap.
 I did question wether the twats sending these emails should be disciplined under the Company's email policy for sending spam. I was told I was being 'tight' and it was 'okay'. However, when I suggested that I may start sending pornographic pictures out and claiming they were taken by a cancer sufferer, I was told I'd probably be sacked - fucking double standards!!
Anyway, this all got me to thinking about writing a poem. Quite frankly, I couldn't be arsed, so here's a little something that I wrote earlier........ about 20 years earlier as a protest against having to write poems (the idea being that I would write something so fucked up that I wouldn't be asked to write a poem again!!)

Sea of Eternal Sleep

I lie awake and dream.
A sea of darkness creeps over my body.
Waves of black slumber wash into my head
flooding my mind with cold fatigue.

I float out into vast emptiness.
I look back to see myself,
lying on the sands of reality; except it's not me.
It's not me anymore, it's just a shell.
A shell completely vacuous.
Frozen by death's touch.

My shell is surrendured to the earth,
presented in a simple wooden box.
Friends grieve and say goodbye
I'll see them soon. Not in this world
but in the next.
I hope they're not late!

People dressed in black stand along the shore.
They cry and I myself begin to cry.
But I cry tears of joy and relief,
for I have been set free, from my empty,
hopeless, dreamless life;
where happiness was welcome, but never came.

I now travel to my new world.
It's called Hell, but I shall call it Heaven.
This world yields dark hopes and evil dreams.
Happiness will still be welcome
and I'm sure it will come.
Black and cold, but it will come.

I lie awake and dream.
(My tears of joy and relief have passed)
Waiting to reach the place
which will be my new home.
A place which can only be reached on-
the Sea of Eternal Sleep


Unsurprisingly it didn't work.

P.S.
Pass this on to all your friends and £1 will be donated each time to the Angry Ginger Monkey Charity.......

Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Bliar's Liebour Govt. told porky pies........

Iraq inquiry: Government ‘intentionally and substantially’ exaggerated WMD threat
Tony Blair’s government ‘intentionally and substantially’ exaggerated the threat from Saddam Hussein ahead of the war in Iraq, a former senior British diplomat has claimed.

Mr Carne, who served at the UN between 1997 and 2002, claimed that the British and United States governments were fully aware that there was no “substantial threat” from Iraq ahead of the war.

"At no point did we have any firm evidence, from intelligence sources or otherwise, of significant weapons holdings."

And in other news;
The Pope admits that he "shits in the woods"
and
David Attenborough confirms that "bears wear hats"

Sunday, 4 July 2010

Twilight......

Um....oh yes.......I'm a vampire your Honor...... Don't know nothing 'bout stalking.......

Friday, 2 July 2010

Dear.......

Dear Cunt, who hit my car yesterday.

IF I EVER FIND YOU, ME AND MY FRIEND BARRY (the baseball bat), WILL FUCK YOU UP.

THAT IS ALL

CUNT.

Sunday, 27 June 2010

England Vs Germany





















BY A COUNTRY FUCKING MILE YOU USELESS BLIND C**TS.

2010...... BILLION POUND BUSINESS........ AND NO MODERN TECHNOLOGY......

SEPP BLATTER....... FIFA....... YOU ARE C**NTS.

AND YES, WE WILL USE THIS AS OUR EXCUSE FOR BEING KNOCKED OUT
(despite the fact it's actually cause we've played like a shower of shite throughout the whole tournament).

SO FUCK OFF.

Tuesday, 22 June 2010

England's answer to the Vuvuzela.....


The English football Hooligan's fan's Vuvuzela......

















Or how about a Vuvuzela T-shirt?....


Affirmative action, Positive discrimination = More Racism....

Wasn't sure wether to write about this or not, but I found it very interesting. Maybe some of you will too....

Yesterday I was fortunate enough that my daughter had sufficient time in her busy social diary to have a day out with 'Dad'. These days are a God-send to me & my sanity; there's nothing like pissing around like a big kid to relieve the stresses of modern life!.
Anyway, whilst taking a well earned 'Fruit Shoot' break in between jumping on a giant trampoline & riding horses around a lake, I heard one of the most fancinating conversations/stories......

Basically, there was a mixed race South African woman talking to (what I found out to be) her black brother-in-law, who was also South African. She was expressing concern about her (white South African) husband's decision to move the family back to South Africa. It turns out that She and her Husband moved to the UK 10 years ago when he qualified as a GP. He got a position in a local practice and after several years of hard work when they had a house & enough money to support a family, they had a few kids. They fully intended to stay in this country and raise thier children, but her husband became increasingly frustrated in his job & life in the UK.
 First of all he was pissed off with all the ridiculous targets that were set by the (Labour) Govt. He felt that his job was more about how many patients he could get through the doors, rather than the quality of care that they were given. Next there was the changes to the GP's contracts - I didn't quite understand the changes exactly, but apparently it meant that some GPs could now get paid for doing less and there was something about 'Out of hours care' being contracted out to 'useless' organisations??.... anyway, her husband didn't like the changes. Then there were issues that upset her husband that didn't directly affect his job, but pissed him off all the same. Immigration, for example. He was angry that seemingly so many people were coming into the country and going straight onto benefits & not doing anything in return; when they both first moved to the UK they didn't claim any benefits & got all thier possessions through thier own hard work & obviously we (the British) got something back in a much needed Doctor. Then the recession seems to have been the last straw. Obviously being a Doctor, he's on a good wage & so he's convinced he's going to get clobbered by higher taxes etc by the new coalition Govt. There's alot more, but to cut a long story short, the husband now wants to move back to South Africa.
 The brother-in-law brought up a (what I thought to be obvious) point about crime in South Africa. Apparently where this doctor and his wife are originally from is alot safer now. It seems the husband's plan is to open up his own practice in the more affluent part of town. Apparently the cost of living versus the money they could earn would mean they could have a very combfortable middle-class lifestyle. By the lady's own admission, they would be financially better off in South Africa, but she doesn't want to go. Why?......
Because of 'affirmative action'.
In her own words "If you're black you get everything handed to you on a plate. College & University places are all set aside and paid for, for blacks. Wether you are smart or good at anything or not, if you're black - you're in."
I was absolutely gobsmacked when she said this, especially as it was to her 'blacker than black' brother-in-law. But guess what?..... HE AGREED!!.......
 "I know" he said "It's getting stupid. When I went to college it was paid for, but that's because I passed the tests/exams & actually had a chance of getting something out of it at the end. Now, you don't have to pass any exams or anything. If you're black & poor they will put you in to make up the numbers, to be able to say 'look 60% of our students are poor black children', it's insulting".
The lady then went on to say that she was concerned that her children being nearly white, would be disadvantaged now in South Africa. Because so many places in education are handed over to the black children, there are very few left for the rest, which means if you're not black you need to be top of the class to have a chance of getting one of the now limited places in school. She was concerned that her children were going to have to work 10 times harder to pass their exams, whilst watching 'black children' just sail through, just because they were black.
Her brother-in-law responded with this:
"Exactly. And what will the non-black children think of all the black children who they see being handed places for nothing, when they are having to work so hard. They will grow up resenting & maybe even hating them. They are literally creating a new generation of potential racists through 'affirmative action'...... the complete opposite of what 'affirmative action is supposed to be about".

I was then called away to go horse riding around a lake so didn't get to hear the rest, but I think the last comment says it all really......

Tuesday, 15 June 2010

Vuvuzela Horns

Vuvuzela Horns:




Vuvuzela Horn blowers: are stop blowing those fucking horns
and learn how to chant, cunts.

Nominated by Ruda Malpa


From .....is a cunt

Monday, 7 June 2010

I'm sweatin, I'm burnin.......

I really like some of Chew Fu's remixes (he's done some cracking stuff with Lady Gaga).

But for some reason, this one's my favourite......

Friday, 4 June 2010

Unthinkable?

I've heard the tragic events in Cumbria described as 'unthinkable' and 'unimaginable'.....

Really?

You get so angry and fucked off that you want to go and get a gun and blast every cunt who you believed wronged you and also a few other innocents who may have looked at you funny......

......Just me then?

Wednesday, 2 June 2010

Policy hangover from Labour....

Labour's idea of 'equality' in action once again:

Council bans white candidates from training programme
A council has banned white people from applying for an £18,000-a-year traineeship because it wants to boost staff diversity.

This has been widely discussed on Sky News and on various internet forums/blogs this morning. Many people have said that it is racist. I disagree, it is discriminatory, but definately not racist. However, racism could be a factor here as to how this council found itself in a position where it needed to offer such a traineeship. Just have a look at the comments from the council....

James Easey, a spokesman for the council, said: "This is the third year of running the traineeship and it was started because of the marked under-representation of ethnic minority people in the council's workforce".

"The normal recruitment process was not rectifying this unacceptably low trend so there was a strong case for this small positive recruitment traineeship for two ethnic minority graduates a year".

- why was there an 'under-representation' in the first place? Maybe the people in charge of recruitment for this council were racist. If so, shouldn't we be using resources to tackle this council's racism. Also, what if the under-representation was down to the fact that people from ethnic minorities quite simply didn't want to apply for jobs with the local council?

Diversity & Integration is something that cannot be forced. People have to want it for it to happen. Crap like this does nothing for 'boosting diversity', in fact it does the complete opposite.

Monday, 31 May 2010

Twitter #britainscantfuckingspell


At 8:39pm, the number 1 trending topic on Twitter in the UK was:

Britans Got Talent

A contradictory statement with the spelling to prove it!!

Monday, 24 May 2010

Lost - I was after just 1 series.....

I only watched the 1st and half of the 2nd series of Lost. I stopped watching it after reading in Sky Magazine an interview with the show's creators, in which they stated that they didn't know how many series there were going to be, but estimated that it would be 4 or 5. This indicated to me that they knew how the show would ultimately end, but were obviously planning to 'kick the arse' out of it until it's popularity (and profitability) started to wane. At only 3 or 4 episodes into series 2, I already thought it was running out of steam/ideas and couldn't bear the thought of sitting through another 2 series.
I remember commenting to friends/relatives at the time and since, that it would more than likely end with everyone finding out it was a dream, similar to the Prisoner. Or, would end with everyone finding out they were dead (a la Sixth Sense) and the Island was some sort of Heaven/Afterlife.
So, after waking from a short Baileys induced Coma on my sofa at 5:20am, I was flicking through the channels and came across the Lost finale. Out of interest I decided to watch and I'm happy to say that I was nearly right and I'm so glad I didn't waste my time watching all 6 series.

Sunday, 23 May 2010

Enjoying the sunshine?

Seeing as my daughter's busy social schedule has left me at a bit of a loose end today, I need to think of something else to do to get out & enjoy the sunshine. I quite fancy just sitting quietly in the sun reading a book, but I don't have a garden so this will mean a trip to the local castle grounds. Unfortunately there will be other people there making noise and being all energetic and stuff, which could potentially ruin my 'quiet reading time'.

So, it's on with my favourite black T-shirt.....












And a careful selection of my favourite books.........











.......should ensure I'm not bothered by anyone


Tuesday, 18 May 2010

Tuesday, 11 May 2010

Hey Govt. want to save some cash, start at the IPS.....

AAAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!

SO THE 80 MILE ROUND TRIP FOR MY 10 MINUTE PASSPORT INTERVIEW WAS A COMPLETE FUCKING WASTE OF TIME.
OH SURE, THE INTERVIEW WAS TO 'STOP MY IDENTITY BEING STOLEN' AND IN THAT SENSE IT WAS A COMPLETE SUCCESS......
BUT THEN YOU'VE POSTED MY PASSPORT THORUGH SOMEONE ELSE'S FUCKING DOOR, SO THERE WAS NO NEED TO STEAL MY IDENTITY, YOU JUST FUCKING HANDED IT TO THEM ON A FUCKING PLATE YOU USELESS FUCKING CUNTING FUCKING TWATING CUNTS.

I WANT MY £77.50 BACK YOU INCOMPETENT FUCKS!

Monday, 10 May 2010

I know my place.....

Another classic quote from the little monkey......

Old Lady at the entrance to an exibition centre:

Old Lady to me: "It's £3 for you, Sir"
and then to my daughter: "are you older than 5?"
My daughter: "Yes, I'm 7"
Old Lady: "Oh, Im sorry. It'll be £1.50 for you then"
My daughter: "No it won't (pointing to me) he's paying"

Thank you & Fuck you......

As a thank you for letting us shaft you for the last 13 years, we leave you this.....

CLICK

And, all because of this lot of lazy fuckers.....

Given the number of Public Sector jobs that have been created under Labour, we should all be very worried about the events in Greece......

Sunday, 9 May 2010

Slow Fucking Drivers.......

RIGHT, EXPLAIN THIS.......

You're taking your driving test and you drive consistently at 5mph above the speed limit - YOU FAIL.
You're taking your driving test and you drive consistently at 5mph below the speed limit - YOU FAIL.

You've passed your test and you're driving around at 5mph above the speed limit - YOU'RE BREAKING THE LAW.
You've passed your test and you're driving around at 5mph below the speed limit - NOTHING. NOT A DAMN FUCKING THING!!!

NOTICE TO DRIVERS IN CORNWALL & DEVON:
If it is a clear sunny, dry day and the speed limit is 60mph, then drive at 60mph. If you're not confident and/or capable of driving that fast, that's fine. Just make sure you pull over and/or move accordingly when safe to do so, to allow those of us who can/want to drive at and/or near the speed limit to go past.
This is especially important if you're driving at 45mph on a 60mph road and you're being followed by a yellow Seat......


Words of Wisdom from my daughter:
"Old people drive slow cause it's what they do......... everything slowly....... that's why I like Grandma & Grandad"

Monday, 3 May 2010

Christians Vs Homos: Round 5,006,846

Okay, so I’ve been throwing my shit thoughts out there, via this blog, for nearly a year now and have yet to get stuck into religion..... After a trip (North of the border) to Dark Lochnagar & RantinRab this morning, I feel it’s time to start throwing some religious poo......


So, in the last week, the God Squad (of the Christian variety) have been hitting the headlines over that old chesnut of ‘Homosexuality’. Many things have been said about the conflicting rights of someone’s freedom of speech(conscience/opinion) Vs. someone’s right to be protected from ‘offense’. As I have said before, it doesn’t matter what you say about anything, someone, somewhere, will take offense and so I will always take the side of freedom of speech, even if I don’t agree with what’s being said. The only exception to this is if someone is using their right to free speech to harm others, for example;

Okay - To say that homosexuality is a sin and/or abnormal.
Not okay - To say that all homosexuals should be killed, because they’re sinners.

Personally, I don’t see why Team Christ are getting all upset over the poofs & Lesbos, I think there are more pressing matters to be dealing with.....

Leviticus 11:7-8, states that we should not eat the flesh of Swine as it is unclean. How many people do you see each day eating a ham or bacon sarnie? What about the Supermarkets who openly promote joints of Pork for a Sunday roast – Sunday, the fucking Lord’s day!!

Leviticus 11:10-11, states that basically Shell-fish are an abomination and shouldn’t be eaten and if popular cultural stereotypes are to be believed, possibly millions of Australians are evil sinners!!

Leviticus 12:6, There must be millions of Women giving birth every day and yet when was the last time you saw a new Mother take a year old lamb and a pigeon to her local priest?! The dirty bitches!!

Leviticus 23:6, How many thousands of people eat from a loaf of Hovis or Kingsmill between the 15th & 22nd of January every year? And I bet some of those unclean fuckers even throw a slice of Ham between a couple of slices!!

Deuteronomy 20:10-14, Why haven’t the tens of thousands of Troops in Iraq killed all the male Iraqi’s yet and why aren't they using swords? Cause they’re all sinners!!!!!

Exodus 22:19, Again, if popular stereotypes are to be believed, there must be thousands of sinners in Wales & Cornwall!!

Matthew 5:32 & Luke 16:18, What about all the adulterers? In England & Wales in 2008, there were over 120,000 divorces and over 11,000 single men married divorced women – that’s at least 130,000 sinners!!

Leviticus 12:3, There are about 3,000,000,000 males on the planet over the age of 8 days, what percentage do you reckon are sinners?!!


Then again, we could all just mind our own business.....

Romans 14:10 – But why do you judge your brother? Or why do you show contempt for your brother? For we shall all stand before the judgement seat of Christ.....

Tuesday, 27 April 2010

Warning: Having a negative opinion of Homosexuality is 'deeply offensive'

Oh great!!

Even if the Tories win, it looks like your right to politely express an opinion which others disagree with will be considered 'offensive' & will probably be illegal or some sort of 'hate crime'....... Political correctness still going mad!!

I agree & disagree with some of what Philip Lardner said, but it's certainly not offensive*.

*Offensive:
  Insulting, disgusting, aggressive, impolite, improper.......

Admittedly, some people will find his comments offensive, but lets face it, no matter what you say about anything, someone will find it offensive.

Are the poofs & poofettes not offended or patronised by this kind of response, everytime someone expresses a dislike of homosexuality?!.....

At this rate it's not the Chinese that we need to worry about ruling the world, it's the 'gayers'......

Horror films latest.....

Better quality trailer...... looks even more awesome!!



The director of Predators, Nimrod Antal, directed Kontroll which is on Film Four tonight. I highly recommend you see it!!

Latest from Nightmare on Elm Street...... not long now!!



Latest rumblings on the Alien prequel are that it could be in 2 parts. Apparently, it will focus on the 'Space Jockey' from Alien and will be about how the 'SJ' ended up meeting the Aliens.......

Monday, 26 April 2010

I fucking give up..........

AAAARRRGGGHHHHH........ FUCKIN USELESS TWATS!!!!!!!!!!

Even though I was born and have lived in this country for over 30 years (& I've been through MOD security checks and been fully cleared to work Security for the MOD & Govt.), I've had to jump through hoops to apply for my passport. All because a member of my family was born in a foreign country (in a British Military Hospital!!).
 Now, I'm being told I can't have a passport unless I provide evidence that I live in the place that I've lived in for the last 2 years, because Postman fucking Pat says my address doesn't exsist!!
Then, I check my bank account today and they've taken the fucking money out for the passport already, even though I've yet to send them my evidence!!
AND then, a friend (who is not of this country) told me today that they can now apply for 'British Citizenship' cause they've lived here for just over 5 years......

It seems as though, if you're foreign & want to come into this country it's fucking easy, but if you're British and you want to leave.......

Soooo, from tomorrow I'll be known as Pawel Bin Okawunde from Somalia...... should have my passport by the end of the week........

C**ts

Sunday, 25 April 2010

Elvis - just as dead as Labour..... Gordon Brown's attempt at irony?.....

Alternative post title:  One King turns up to support another........ (f-King wanker, that is)

So Elvis turned up at a Labour thing......


Not sure what was exactly on the play list, but Suspicious Minds would've been a good choice......


We're caught in a trap - I'm unemployed and on benefits
I can't walk out - cause living on benefits is better than working
Because I love you too much baby - benefits

Why can't you see - cause you've only got 1 eye?
What you're doing to me - turning me & my generation into welfare junkies
When you don't believe a word I say? - when I keep sending back you're leaflets, telling you you're shit

Chorus:
We can't go on together - cause you're ruining my country
With suspicious minds - I don't fucking trust ANY of you MPs, especially Labour ones
And we can't build our dreams - cause we're skint & strangled by red tape
On suspicious minds - again, I don't fucking trust you!

So, if an old friend I know - the Tories
Drops by to say hello - I may just (tactically) vote for them!!
Would I still see suspicion in your eyes? - Probably, they're just as bent as you!!

Here we go again - Election time!
Asking where I've been - NO, but you've been telling me how wonderful things have been in the last 13years!
You can't see these tears are real - cause you won't accept you've fucked us all over
I'm crying - that's right! 13 yrs of your shit have brought me to tears

Chorus

Oh let our love survive - errr, no thanks! Let our love go into an NHS hospital and die from MRSA, cause the Muslim nurse refused to follow procedures cause her religion is more important than anyone's life.....
Or dry the tears from your eyes - No don't!! I want to see you crying when you finish 3rd.....
Let's don't let a good thing die - but this wasn't a good thing, so please let it fucking die!!

When honey, you know - yeah, go on I'm listening.....
I've never lied to you - YOU FUCKING WHAT!??!
mmm, yeah...... - exactly......

Apologies to the King!

Gordon Brown is a good boy......

Is it just me, or does it look like a young Gordon Brown on the left?...........

Saturday, 24 April 2010

Health & Safety warning........

For those of you that haven't worked it out.......

At times I can be a c**t.
Normally it's because someone has done something to piss me off.
If I'm being a c**t to you, it's because you've done something to piss me off, usually something simple.

Now.....
 if you want to be a c**t to me, that's okay, especially if I've done something to piss you off. It's only fair....
But, if you want to be a c**t to me, cause I'm being a c**t to you, because of something you did to piss me off, well then....... it's open season on you I'm afraid.....
........ and I'm very good at playing the long game.

I will literally wait years for the right moment to fuck you over.......

That's all folks!

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

The Icelandic Volcano Party

Vote For;
The Icelandic Volcano Party




We've done more to stop immigration in the last week, then Labour have done in the last 13 years.




Thanks to Mr Turner!!

Sunday, 18 April 2010

Labour's Jo Brand beer mats.......

Many bloggers are quite rightly pointing out the bare-faced hypocrisy of Labour using beer mats to drum up support, but I think these beer mats are brilliant and Jo Brand's face should be on all beer mats!





Why?!......









.....because when you start looking at your beer mat and thinking 'she looks a bit of alright', you'll know you've had enough to drink.

Genius!

Today's Countdown Conundrum......

Acapulco Gold or some Blueberry?


Do I burn a whole Henry?

Tuesday, 13 April 2010

New Labour poster...

I've designed another poster for Labour....

Old people are very funny!!

Just been for a walk around sunny Lanson and as I was walking through the Castle grounds I overheard 3 old dears talking;



1st says " Isn't it nice to see all these people out enjoying the sunshine, having picnics and that "

2nd says " Yeah "

3rd says " Yeah....... shame they all look scruffy though "


I was going to explain that they're called chavs, but I was too busy laughing my ass off!!

picture from here

Monday, 12 April 2010

More evidence of Labour's idea of equality......

Just last week, former Nurse Shirley Chaplin, lost her case for discrimination against Royal Devon and Exeter Hospital. Her claim came after she was asked to remove a crucifix from around her neck by her bosses, who claimed that it was a Health & Safety risk - both to herself and patients. She had worn this crucifix for over 30 years and not once had any problems with it. She even offered to sign a disclaimer, stating that she would wear it at her own risk, but bosses claimed that still didn't protect the patients. When she still refused to hide it and when she complained to more senior managers, she was put on a desk job. She then claimed religious discrimination.
Now, I could go into the arguments about the validity of her claim and the options she was offered, but that's for another day.......
The fact is; she was asked to remove the crucifix, which she refused to do due to her strict religious (Christian) beliefs, becuase of Health & Safety concerns. These concerns were:

A Patient may grab the crucifix and strangle her
A Patient may grab the crucifix and scratch/cut themselves which could lead to an infection.

Then, just 4 days later we have this;

Muslim doctors and nurses are to be allowed to opt out of strict hygiene rules introduced by the NHS to restrict the spread of hospital superbugs.

The Govt. & NHS have (understandably) been looking into how to reduce the number of patients who were falling ill, and even dying, from superbugs such as MRSA. They concluded that the most effective way was to have everyone wearing short sleeves and no jewellery and to have a 'clean hands' policy. In other words, washing and scrubbing your hands & forearms after treating each patient. But, Muslim female health workers complained about being forced to expose their arms. So, the rules have been rewritten to allow them to still wear long sleeves, (also Sikhs are allowed to still wear bangles).

MRSA Action UK, have rasied concerns over these changes and a spokesman for the Department of Health responded by saying:
                                   "The (new) guidance is intended to provide direction to services in how they can
                         balance infection control measures with cultural beliefs without compromising patient safety."

which is a fair comment until you read about Shirley Chaplin and then ask yourself....

"How many people have died due to strangulation from a crucifix or from scratching themselves on a crucifix in a hospital?"

 and

"How many people have died from MRSA?"

I can answer the second question.....

Sunday, 11 April 2010

Sunday, 4 April 2010

For the sake of fuck......

Businesses succeed or fail for various reasons and one of the main ones is customer service. If the service is crap then people will go elsewhere, even if it costs more. (I get my gas & electric from E-on, even though they're more expensive than British Gas because BG's service is absolute shite, whereas E-on's service is excellent). That's why we don't need laws to dictate who businesses can and can't deal with. If a business decides it doesn't want to deal with pooftas that's fine, they will have to deal with the consequences of the loss of business from the shirt lifting community and the reputation they will get from such a stance. Just the same as a business which markets itself as catering for 'gays' only, will have to deal with the potential loss of business from the 'straights'.

NO MORE NANNY FUCKING STATE!!

Let people decide with their own conscience/beliefs......... and wallets or purses!!

Friday, 2 April 2010

Tony Blair........

........ is a tango-ed, slimy, lying, warmongering/profiteering,

'oooh look at me saving the Labour party as well as the Middle East',

doesn't give a fuck about the recession he caused 'cause he makes £20m a year cock-waffling  at la-de-da functions,

George Bush's Poodle CUNT.

CLICK

Tuesday, 30 March 2010

Today......

So today;

The sky was blue, the grass was green, water was wet, ricky martin is gay, apples still grow on trees, it's rained alot in launceston and Tony Blair came back to remind us all that he's a cunt......

any surprises in there?.......

Sunday, 28 March 2010

Saturday, 27 March 2010

Labour's Election Pledge

Anyone else see the irony in that the sun looks like it's going down?.........


Friday, 26 March 2010

Pope & paedophiles.....

So, the Vatican is 'crying foul' over the recent reports of the current Pope's involvement in covering up & eventually stopping the trial of a kiddie fiddling priest. A recent editorial in a Vatican Newspaper, claims that There was "clearly an ignoble attempt to strike at Pope Benedict and his closest aides at any cost,"

Seriously!?!.
The Pope is the head of the Catholic Church. Paedophilia in the Catholic Church is practically institutional.
Wether it happened 'on his watch' or not, he is ultimately responsible.....

Wednesday, 24 March 2010

Alien Vs Predator 3

Exclusive first look at promotional poster for the next Alien Vs. Predator film.......


Friday, 19 March 2010

Predators - new trailer released!!

Various rumors that Predators may be 'edited' down to a PG-13......

I fucking hope not!!....

Monday, 15 March 2010

The truth about Unison....

Unions, in my view, are no better than Governments/Politicians. They take your money, spend it on themselves and do fuck all for you...

Just watch this crap....



Now see the truth....

Saturday, 27 February 2010

I nearly punched my computer......

What follows is a classic example of why this country is doing down the toilet - Labour/Media Spin being believed by fucking idiots......

I picked this up from a forum discussion about people who basically scrounge off the state and think that it's okay to do so (indeed Labour have created a whole generation who now see it as a career choice!). The discussion was started by someone who's very pissed off with it all, especially those who get free housing (and quite rightly so!).

And this -unbelieveably- was one of the first responses: (my comments - not actually posted - are in blue)

"However is it not the giant co-orperations that run in england and use all our staff and money yet have a poxey PO box in Saudi more the problem? earning millions from england, not entitled to paying tax, thus sucking every penny from the country?" Yeah, course it is mate. These companies use our staff - who's staff exactly, the Govt? And, they do actually pay us you know! Use our money - what money? Companies get their own funding from banks/investors they don't take my money, unlike lazy fucking benefit scroungers....

"I do think in alot of cases its more like 20% of people who are on benefit are just scamming the system and the rest are just having a hard time and any way, if the council own the property, gadgets are imported and government owned etc.... who is earning from the tax payers money?" Only 20%?!!! you wish!... and gadgets are imported and govt owned?!! Yeah, that's right, all those nice white goods, widescreen TVs, playstations, DVD players, etc, are owned by the govt not the benefit scroungers, so if they move all that lovely stuff stays in the house right?......how fucking stupid is this idiot?!!!

"This doesnt mean i agree with this kind of lifestyle however their are far bigger fish to fry out there."

This was the response from the person who started the discussion.....

"People round here literally pop out children like it's a hobby. For example someone I know has 4 kids by 2 fathers and her youngest was literally 4 weeks old when she posted on a pregnancy website that she thinks she is pregnant again. They don't work, we pay for their house, the father is not disabled, he is perfectly able to work yet he chooses not to because with that many children he's better off staying at home. That is my pet hate, i have 2 children, i work in a rubbish job but I would rather do it that way than having everything handed to me." Couldn't agree more..... lets see what the idiot's response was.....



"however again you say 'we' pay for a house they live in.... however the house is owned by the council and the council pay for it.... thus meaning it probably isnt really costing anything." Yep, that's right, it doesn't cost us anything, cause the council own the houses already!! What a fucking tit. I am seriously worried about this person. They're either winding us up, or they really are this stupid in which case I am concerned that they may forget how to breathe...... and then they said this......


"Its like littering, if everyone in england stopped littering we would lose thousands of jobs, again if everyone stopped causing crime we would lose hundreds of thousands of jobs and again if these people didnt do what they do again we would lose jobs in housing, construction, up keep..... the companies flushing our economy are the worry, one company alone will flush what these people cost to live a year, collectivly in a month from our country.... what happens when its all gone?"  Seriously?!! You're saying that if we stopped all these benefits scroungers from doing what they're doing it would cost hundreds of thousands of jobs!!....... This person needs to be put prevented from having children....

This was my (rather reserved) response:

"What planet are you on?.... seriously?! ".... however the house is owned by the council and the council pay for it.... thus meaning it probably isnt really costing anything." Where did the council get the money to build the houses?. Where do they get the money to pay for it's maintenance?. Almost all in Council housing do not pay the full (or even any) Council tax, who pays to subsidise that?. Most in Council housing receive other benefits paid by the local Counci; Rent rebates, free school meals, free prescriptions etc... WHO ultimately pays for all this?....... YOU and ME, and everyone else who works hard and pays thier taxes! Seriously, are you like a Labour Govt. mole or something? WAKEUP!!!!!! Getting thousands of lazy scroungers of the dole will cost thousands of jobs - REALLY?!!!! You seem to be more concerned about big companies sending thier money abroad, so the title of this discussion should've given you a clue that this isn't the place for you.... "


I'm not sure if I want this person to respond to that. What they say may give me a fucking embolism......

Thursday, 25 February 2010

Nightmare on Elm Street 2010

Woohooo..... Trailer number 2......

Don't let them take anymore of your money!!

This, Govt. is out to fuck as much money out of you as they can. Through every possible avenue that they can. Don't take it, stand up to the bastards.......

I bought a car last year at the beginning of September. 2 weeks later, I get a letter confirming I no longer am the registered owner of my Audi, so I phone the DVLA and ask where the V5C is for my new car. I am told that I need to allow 28days for it to arrive. So, on the 1st of Oct I call to ask where my V5C is. This time I am told to wait a few more weeks, because there are delays due to the postal strikes. Admittedly I completely forget all about it until a week ago!
So, again, I phone the DVLA & ask them where my V5C is:

DVLA: it was sent to you on the 1st Sept, Sir
Me: Why when I phoned in Sept was I told that it would take upto 28 days?
DVLA: It can take upto 28 days, Sir. But, your V5 was sent on the 1st Sept.
Me: Well I didn't get it, can you send another?
DVLA: Yes, certainly. It will cost £25 and will take upto 20 days.
Me: (choking on my tea) £25!!..... for a bit of paper!! And, why will it take upto 20 days?. What time on the 1st of Sept was my V5C sent?
DVLA: I don't know, Sir. Why, is that important?
Me: Yes, cause whenever I ask for something from you it takes upto 20/28 days for you to do it, but you're expecting me to believe that you sent my original V5 out on the 1st of Sept?
DVLA: Yes, Sir we did.
Me: That's funny, cause I didn't buy the car until after 3pm on the 1st of Sept........ So you see, the time that you sent it is important......
DVLA: I'm sorry, I don't have a time. Just a date, the 1st of Sept. Have you moved since that date, Sir?
Me: No, why?
DVLA: Well, I could take a card payment for £25 now & get the replacement sent today.
Me: I'm not paying £25. Could you please send me the proof of posting for the original V5 and I'll take it up with the post office, they can pay the £25.
DVLA: Sorry, Sir we don't have the proof of posting.
Me: Sooooo, you expect me to believe that you sent the original V5 the very same day that I bought the car, even though I was told that it would take upto 28 days, and you have no proof that it was even sent....... and now you want me to pay £25 for a replacement?........
DVLA:................Um.................Okay.......... On this occassion as a goodwill gesture, we'll send you a replacement free of charge

Fuck 'em & their laws.....

Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Blood, Piss, Bile, Shit & Mucus.... all boiling at once

If you want the perfect example of where a decade of 'New Labour's'; Let's all be equal, anyone who opposes us is racist, benefits for all, nanny state, European human rights, Climate change bollocks, let's all save the Wbankers; bum-fuckerey has got us, then read this:

Somali mother of four has no right to live here... but we have to give her a council house

Even better still, look at the first photograph....

I'm nearly speechless.....

Speaking to the Daily Mail last night, Mrs Ibrahim said: 'I deserve to be given a proper house. This one is too small for all of us.

NO YOU DON'T......NOW, FUCK OFF!!

I said nearly speechless.....


Olympic Gold Medal confusion......

Just to clear up any confusion; Amy Williams won Britain's Gold Medal for the Skeleton....

= NOT a Gold Medalist

Monday, 22 February 2010

Pratts, Twats and politics....

The excellent charity National Bullying Helpline, is tonight in meltdown with at least 2 of it's Patrons resigning after Founder, Chrisitne Pratt's comments about the bullying allegations at No.10.

The patrons are quite rightly standing down due to concerns over the charity's impartiality & confidentiality after Pratt's comments. Rather than stand down, Pratt is now attacking the former patrons!! And Labour is claiming it's all a political smear campaign organised by the Tories!!..........

Only 10 more years & I can move abroad.......

Monday, 15 February 2010

One for the Gunner's Fans........

Chelsea wherever you maybe... don't leave your wife with John Terry.
 his dad deals coke, and his mum steals tea,
 He cried when he missed a penalty.... 

Chelsea wherever you maybe... don't leave your wife with John Terry,
 He cannot shoot and he can't fucking pass,
 But he'll take your misses up the AR....SE....NAL, ARSENAL, ARSENAL, ARSENAL........

Wednesday, 10 February 2010

Dear Sky News......

Dear Sky News,

Katie - Jordan - Price, is NOT FUCKING NEWS.




 = NOT FUCKING NEWS


That is all,

Ruda

You haven't seen 'The Wire'?........

This pretty much sums up what my response is to people who haven't seen The Wire....

Monday, 8 February 2010

Sunday, 7 February 2010

Space

Oi you!....... Yes you!....... you're totally insignificant.......

Wednesday, 3 February 2010

Shut the fuck up will you......

Nice to see (Hull) football fans showing such a supportive display for the sanctity of marriage.....

But if, Terry scored the winning goal in the World Cup final this year, would they still boo him?...... of course not, the stupid twats!

Tuesday, 19 January 2010

Pervert jailed over slurry fetish

Missed this one - God knows how!
Not Much more I can add to this, so I'll just give you the story in full......

A PERVERT who gets a sexual kick out of slurry has been jailed for breaching a restraining order banning him from a farm where he indulges his fetish.


David Truscott, of Close Hill, Redruth, was jailed in September after climbing into a muck spreader vehicle at a farm in Redruth. He was found in slurry and jailed for 16 weeks at Truro Crown Court. The 40-year-old was released in mid October.
A spokesman for Devon and Cornwall police yesterday confirmed Truscott had been re-arrested in the early hours of November 9 when he was found by police sitting in manure at the same farm. He is understood to have told police he went to the farm with a view to rolling around in a muck spreader. He was seen by the farmer who called in police and Truscott was arrested at 5.10am.
He was charged with breaching the terms of a restraining order imposed by Truro Crown Court in September and jailed for 20 weeks.
A police spokesman said it was an extremely rare crime and police were doing everything they could to deal with the repeat offender.
"This is a very unusual type of crime and we appreciate it's going on for so long is very frustrating for the family concerned," he said.
Truscott was jailed for three years in 2005 after admitting causing three fires at the same farm the previous year.
The first fire destroyed a barn and bailer causing £3,300 of damage. Two months later there was a second fire in another barn. Although only £50 of damage was caused to the barn, a cow valued at £800 died from effects of smoke inhalation. The third fire occurred on a tractor in another barn but little damage was caused.

The court heard Truscott led a lonely, isolated existence and had peculiar habits. He was said to be a man of low intelligence who had committed arson out of frustration when he could not indulge his fetish for manure.

Priceless!!

source

Tuesday, 12 January 2010

Tuesday, 5 January 2010

Global warming - My Arse!!

Global warming..... where?!
It's fucking freezing here. My boiler has frozen up twice in the last 3 weeks!!

This has been the view from my window since Saturday Morning:




But, apparently, according to the 10 minutes of research that I've done, more snowfall and colder winters is consistent with Global warming...... but not in the way that you would think......

"If it wasn't for global warming this cold snap would happen much more regularly. What is interesting is that we are now surprised by this kind of weather. I doubt we would have been in the 1950s because it was much more common".

Yes, apparently, because cold snaps/snow now happen less often, when it does happen, we are all so surprised that we believe it to be worse than it really is....

A study by the Met Office which went back 350 years shows that such extreme weather now only occurs every 20 years.

Really, according to my recent memory we had snow - down yer in North Cornwall - (proper snow that you can actually build snowman people with) 4 times in the last 10 years - I can only remember it snowing twice in the 90s!!

Also, the last 2 summers have been a fucking washout!!

Global warming = BOLLOCKS!!

Monday, 4 January 2010

What the Fuck has happened to Top gear?!

Watching last nights show I couldn't help but feel that Top Gear is finished. It has, in the last year, become a boring, predictable parody of itself. This is especially evident in the challenges and so-called specials with all 3 presenters now 'acting up' to their on-screen personas.
For example; The Borneo special was fucking shit cause it was so predictable. Why? Because it's all scripted around the presenters and every one now follows the same theme....
Clarkson, the petrol head, gets the biggest,gas-guzzling, seemingly worthless piece of crap. Doesn't take things seriously. Spouts alot of Caveman-esque, chauvanistic quotes and does alot better than the condition of his vehicle would suggest.
Hammond, the ponce, gets the most 'feminine' and/or obvious vehicle and screams and screeches his way to the end, usually teaming up with Clarkson to play some hilarious(!) pratical joke on May on the way.
May, Cpt Slow, picks the most mundane vehicle and gives us the full stats on vehicles/challenges, rants at Clarkson/Hammond's lack of respect/seriousness for the challenges/vehicles and says 'cock' alot.

 Also, it's a car show but you hardly get to see any of the cars anymore! I end up with fucking motion sickness due to the editing and special effects - does the producer/editor of this show have ADHD or something?


Last nights show was absolutely  fucking awful.
Hammond crashing into xmas tree - yawn......
I had to look up the Lexus LFA online this morning to see what it actually looked like cause I couldn't see it through all the stupid (manga style?) effects!..... and Hammond's constant girly screeching......*grinds teeth*.
Clarksons piece on the BMW x6 was obviously supposed to be funny, but wasn't!! and so predictable given the set-up they gave it - We have no money in the budget....so lets go to Australia to see if the glove box works - oh, absolute comedy f u c k i n g genius!!
May - Cpt Slow - again, predictable - other than the road sign lady which was obviously the most interesting part of the piece seeing as I can't even remember what car he was reviewing (Vauxhall?).
Even the Top Gear awards were boring - "Stig, give me the cock back" - yawn
The only light at the end of this tunnel is the star in a reasonably priced car - Why? Because it's the only part of the show which isn't scripted around the 3 presenters (hilarious!?!) personas and actually just shows someone (in a normal edited film) driving a car - Isn't that what a 'car' show should be about?
 
Please BBC, sort it out or just fucking scrap it.......
 

Sunday, 3 January 2010

2009 - according to my Facebook Status

My review of 2009 - according to my Facebook status.....

January
Found out that Pro-Plus really does work, loved the Panto in Plymouth, found out that my Audi's tyres were magnetic and discovered how they manage to get people to stay in Lanstephen - they don't grit the fucking roads!!

February
Couldn't build a Snowman :-(  Got the new Prodigy album. Wondered what the hell you can do when asked to do one thing, but expected to do the opposite. Lost house keys, wrote an alternative version of Postman Pat, WASN'T up a Pylon at Exeter Race Course dressed as Mr Incredible and couldn't believe that thousands of women only realised Cancer was a serious disease, cause Jade fucking Goody had it!!

March
Wanted you to 'Show me the Monkey'. Decided it would be a good idea to edit my CV having only had 3hrs sleep in 35 hours and promptly lost the whole bloody thing. Discovered Twinings Everyday Tea is sooooo much better than PG, spat out 'said' Tea upon reading that Jade Goody may be immortilised in a statue and got philisophical; "Nature’s constantly screaming with all its shapes and scents: love each other! Love each other! Do as the flowers. There’s only love".........

April
FINALLY GOT DIVORCED!!!!!
Started fucking around on Twitter. Wondered wether a few cats should be let out of the bag......they weren't, but chaos reined anyway! Ipod packed up (why, God?!... why not the toaster or hoover? why choose the Ipod?!!) then I fixed it (why, God?!... why couldn't it stay broken? how can I convince my inner-scrooge to get a bigger & better one now?!!) Won £15 on the National, set a record of 9(tonnes) cooks of Custard (still unbeaten!). Had weather issues...... Thanked God for GPS & track-logs after getting stuck on Bodmin Moor. Let a few cats out.... "So, I've started it now so I might aswell finish. But, in the end, the answer will probably be 'NO', or maybe even 'go f**k urself'..... who knows?!"..... started wearing shin pads to work, discovered that everyone rises to their level of incompetence and wondered if Kermit was getting worried?

May
Some fucking scum tried to put a rock through my window and because I wasn't from an ethnic minority or claiming benefits the Police did fuck all about it. Worried about Hamthrax, fell out with BT, unknowingly walked out of Cinema in Plymouth with popcorn stuck all over my ass thanks to my daughter's idea of a joke. Audi stiffed me £70 for a new battery (nearly went Basil Fawlty on it!). Got severely fucked off with Dan the Fiat salesman, but in the end by being such a fucking useless cunt, he did me a favour and I wondered..... 'if a fat kid falls over in the woods and no-one is around to see it......do the trees laugh?'

June
Got back on my bike, and pissed off with green avatars. Upset some knobber on youtube after I slagged off someone's dreadful version of a Kate Bush song.... watched ladies tennis with the volume down incase the neighbours thought I was watching Lesbian Porn, fell in love with Lady Ga Ga at Glastonbury, Audi gave me it's final '2 fingers' after the alternator packed up and tried to buy Jacko's computer on ebay, but was outbid by Gary Glitter.

July
Considered a new career (based on the 'Dog Whisperer') as the 'Cat Kicker'. Compared work to "the Funhouse, but without Pat Sharp or the cheerleading twins...... or the games..... or the go karts..... or the prizes....... or the fun...... or the house....." Got pissed off with finding out what 'Badass animal' everyone was and dumbass tourists in Newquay and discovered the first case of Misanthropy was probably diagnosed after a shopping trip to Tesco during the Summer Hols.

August
Spent the first week being told that most of what I was saying was 'gay' and being 'owned'. Gave Kudos to Aviva for bringing 'Janner' back into circulation, found that some people believed 'Proactive' was a Lucozade sports drink. Moaned about equal rights for Men when it comes to divorce and got pissed off with emmets at Eden - It's a Rainforest Biome, so yes, it's HOT!!!

September
FINALLY got rid of the fucking Audi, then got pissed off with Insurance companies.Watched  "The Grim adventures of Billy & Mandy" on CN Too, where there's a character called Uncle 'Chokey' who runs a 'chicken' Farm..... How the hell do Kids cartoons get away with that! Found it amusing that when there was NO WRONG ANSWER, people STILL talked SHIT so as to take (what they perceived to be) the high-ground. Reviewed a book on Amazon (which was then removed!), wondered if the C who claimed to be a S would become a V or P..... Got rather upset over a parking ticket, finally saw some common sense at work and....... Heather McCartney's plastic leg!!

October
Got the parking ticket ripped up. Spent a few days in court, where I met the 2nd most beatiful woman in the world - my pizza girl! I got a stalker on Facebook and found Stevie Wonder on Twitter. One of my nominations made it on to one of my favourite blogs and I reposted my (now updated) Postman Pat theme.

November
Became increasingly frustrated with Horror films being watered down for the 'teen' market. Started my long running (& still continuing) battle with the fuckwits upstairs over water leaking into my flat. Started the whole 'angel on one shoulder devil on the other' dilema over the purchase of an Xbox. Worried that my age and cynicism towards manufactured pop was affecting my judgement & opinion......... but, my daughter said Lloyd was shit, so I'm still okay....... My faith was restored in the Horror genre by Antichrist, I became a PPE Offender and....You're (were)once...., (then)twice...., (now) three times a fuck up! .........

December
The devil won.....No matter how much grease I put on them, my balls stuck to the baking tray and then ripped apart when I tried to get them off. I celebrated Monkey Day, got pissed off with Argos and got high on bleach. Woke up xmas morning not feeling particularly festive, but then put on Sky News to see Pope being floored. Couldn't work out wether it was okay to laugh at someone trying to blow up a plane with their pants and I gave a Public Service announcement:
People of Lanson: A Supermarket is where you go to do your shopping, not to meet up with friends for a chat. Before you go, write a fucking list! Don't wander around like a mental patient in a psych hospital. If you have kids - don't fucking bring them, unless you can control them..... and don't PUT YOUR SHOPPING IN MY FUCKING TROLLEY!!

I know..... I need to get out more.....

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