My review of 2009 - according to my Facebook status.....
Found out that Pro-Plus really does work, loved the Panto in Plymouth, found out that my Audi's tyres were magnetic and discovered how they manage to get people to stay in Lanstephen - they don't grit the fucking roads!!
Couldn't build a Snowman :-( Got the new Prodigy album. Wondered what the hell you can do when asked to do one thing, but expected to do the opposite. Lost house keys, wrote an alternative version of Postman Pat, WASN'T up a Pylon at Exeter Race Course dressed as Mr Incredible and couldn't believe that thousands of women only realised Cancer was a serious disease, cause Jade fucking Goody had it!!
Wanted you to 'Show me the Monkey'. Decided it would be a good idea to edit my CV having only had 3hrs sleep in 35 hours and promptly lost the whole bloody thing. Discovered Twinings Everyday Tea is sooooo much better than PG, spat out 'said' Tea upon reading that Jade Goody may be immortilised in a statue and got philisophical; "Nature’s constantly screaming with all its shapes and scents: love each other! Love each other! Do as the flowers. There’s only love".........
FINALLY GOT DIVORCED!!!!!
Started fucking around on Twitter. Wondered wether a few cats should be let out of the bag......they weren't, but chaos reined anyway! Ipod packed up (why, God?!... why not the toaster or hoover? why choose the Ipod?!!) then I fixed it (why, God?!... why couldn't it stay broken? how can I convince my inner-scrooge to get a bigger & better one now?!!) Won £15 on the National, set a record of 9(tonnes) cooks of Custard (still unbeaten!). Had weather issues...... Thanked God for GPS & track-logs after getting stuck on Bodmin Moor. Let a few cats out.... "So, I've started it now so I might aswell finish. But, in the end, the answer will probably be 'NO', or maybe even 'go f**k urself'..... who knows?!"..... started wearing shin pads to work, discovered that everyone rises to their level of incompetence and wondered if Kermit was getting worried?
Some fucking scum tried to put a rock through my window and because I wasn't from an ethnic minority or claiming benefits the Police did fuck all about it. Worried about Hamthrax, fell out with BT, unknowingly walked out of Cinema in Plymouth with popcorn stuck all over my ass thanks to my daughter's idea of a joke. Audi stiffed me £70 for a new battery (nearly went Basil Fawlty on it!). Got severely fucked off with Dan the Fiat salesman, but in the end by being such a fucking useless cunt, he did me a favour and I wondered..... 'if a fat kid falls over in the woods and no-one is around to see it......do the trees laugh?'
Got back on my bike, and pissed off with green avatars. Upset some knobber on youtube after I slagged off someone's dreadful version of a Kate Bush song.... watched ladies tennis with the volume down incase the neighbours thought I was watching Lesbian Porn, fell in love with Lady Ga Ga at Glastonbury, Audi gave me it's final '2 fingers' after the alternator packed up and tried to buy Jacko's computer on ebay, but was outbid by Gary Glitter.
Considered a new career (based on the 'Dog Whisperer') as the 'Cat Kicker'. Compared work to "the Funhouse, but without Pat Sharp or the cheerleading twins...... or the games..... or the go karts..... or the prizes....... or the fun...... or the house....." Got pissed off with finding out what 'Badass animal' everyone was and dumbass tourists in Newquay and discovered the first case of Misanthropy was probably diagnosed after a shopping trip to Tesco during the Summer Hols.
Spent the first week being told that most of what I was saying was 'gay' and being 'owned'. Gave Kudos to Aviva for bringing 'Janner' back into circulation, found that some people believed 'Proactive' was a Lucozade sports drink. Moaned about equal rights for Men when it comes to divorce and got pissed off with emmets at Eden - It's a Rainforest Biome, so yes, it's HOT!!!
FINALLY got rid of the fucking Audi, then got pissed off with Insurance companies.Watched "The Grim adventures of Billy & Mandy" on CN Too, where there's a character called Uncle 'Chokey' who runs a 'chicken' Farm..... How the hell do Kids cartoons get away with that! Found it amusing that when there was NO WRONG ANSWER, people STILL talked SHIT so as to take (what they perceived to be) the high-ground. Reviewed a book on Amazon (which was then removed!), wondered if the C who claimed to be a S would become a V or P..... Got rather upset over a parking ticket, finally saw some common sense at work and....... Heather McCartney's plastic leg!!
Got the parking ticket ripped up. Spent a few days in court, where I met the 2nd most beatiful woman in the world - my pizza girl! I got a stalker on Facebook and found Stevie Wonder on Twitter. One of my nominations made it on to one of my favourite blogs and I reposted my (now updated) Postman Pat theme.
Became increasingly frustrated with Horror films being watered down for the 'teen' market. Started my long running (& still continuing) battle with the fuckwits upstairs over water leaking into my flat. Started the whole 'angel on one shoulder devil on the other' dilema over the purchase of an Xbox. Worried that my age and cynicism towards manufactured pop was affecting my judgement & opinion......... but, my daughter said Lloyd was shit, so I'm still okay....... My faith was restored in the Horror genre by Antichrist, I became a PPE Offender and....You're (were)once...., (then)twice...., (now) three times a fuck up! .........
The devil won.....No matter how much grease I put on them, my balls stuck to the baking tray and then ripped apart when I tried to get them off. I celebrated Monkey Day, got pissed off with Argos and got high on bleach. Woke up xmas morning not feeling particularly festive, but then put on Sky News to see Pope being floored. Couldn't work out wether it was okay to laugh at someone trying to blow up a plane with their pants and I gave a Public Service announcement:
People of Lanson: A Supermarket is where you go to do your shopping, not to meet up with friends for a chat. Before you go, write a fucking list! Don't wander around like a mental patient in a psych hospital. If you have kids - don't fucking bring them, unless you can control them..... and don't PUT YOUR SHOPPING IN MY FUCKING TROLLEY!!
I know..... I need to get out more.....